I know where I'm going,

And I know who's goin' with me,

I know who I love,

And my dear knows who I'll marry.


Feather beds are soft,

And painted rooms are bonny,

But I would trade them all,

For my handsome, winsome Johnny


His eyes are palest blue,

And his sweet smile is bonny,

I know that he'll be true,

My handsome, winsome Johnny.


(Traditional folksong, last verse is mine. This was written in 1962)


"Trust my sincerity."  He would say and here at last was the man I could love.


I hade "been out" for almost a year, and already I was tired of the bars, night clubs, parties and so forth.  This gay kind of life seemed to be what I wanted, but something was missing, and intangible thing, with out which life was incomplete.


My first "love" had been a flop.  Mike and I had gone our separate ways; the helter-skelter, day to day life of this boy was not my "Cup of tea."  There came a time of loneliness, just not caring, knocking around from party to party, bar to bar, person to person.  I had resigned myself to just being alone and said to those who would ask, that I didn't care.  My contacts were few and far between and many times I would be overcome with the phony, not-caring-about-tomorrow attitude, and cry myself to sleep.  Scholars would say that among "those in the shadows" happiness was more the exception than the rule.  I was ready to believe this was truth, but not quite.  I knew, deep down inside, that someone was waiting and that love would, nay, had to come to me someday.

One evening I was visiting a happy couple I knew and I met John.  I saw him again off and on, at parties and meetings of the activist groups.  He did not impress me much at the time, in fact he ran me competition for one fellow I had my eye on at one of the parties, (we both lost on that one.)  Then one night, quite by accident I was invited to tag along with other friends to a night club as a guest of John, and our paths crossed once more.  I noticed that night that John's personality was different than the run of the mill gay-people, he could mix well with the crowd where I felt uncomfortable and completely out of place.  John did not appeal to me much physically.  He did not have the soft blond "surfer look" that was popular nor a well built body.  There was something deeper; a form of honesty and faith.


John’s weakness was for turquoise, every where in his Hollywood apartment were touches of the color, or blue and green in various combinations.  When I took my vacation in San Francisco I went to China town and bought him a turquoise robe with a gold dragon on the back.  In Hollywood jargon, "he flipped" and I, some how, knew here at last was someone for me to care about.  Like I said, John did not have the physical attraction I had been looking for, in fact he is kind of thin and bony, but inside was a man few people have ever known.  There were nights when we would lay in each others arms and he would say, "Trust my sincerity, and please let me love you."  I knew then that this was the man I would love.  I need John and in turn he needed to be needed.  There were radical differences in many of our attitudes and manners but we both felt a stubborn determination to build a good life together.

John and I are living together now, as one.  Our life is no "bed of roses" and we still have our inevitable difference of opinion, but all in all life is so much better for us both!  To say I love him is not adequate to describe my feelings for John.  I have been fortunate enough to find a rare person who will love and care for me and not lose touch with the realities of life.  Some times when I get depressed or blue he will take my hand and say to me, "Stand tall my love. Stand tall."  Sure the odds are against us, but I know we can live and love together.  The oneness of our love has its holes, but all the better to breathe.  I don't want to be smothered and neither does john.  What the future will bring, time alone will tell.  I can not, will not, say that this is all; that our relationship will be perfect.  That would be very nice to believe but not at all realistic.  John is a real person and so am I, not just players on a stage.  I would rather stand by his side and face what ever is in the years to come.

Yes, I know where I'm going, and I know who's goin' with me.....


The beginning



42 years later, read “Commitment.” Then “Beginning of the end.”



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writing DocLivingston
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use words that rhyme in 2009.
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The beginning 1962
A Word from the Writer
42 years later, read “Commitment.” Then “Beginning of the end.”
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