Unfinished Thoughts
I have several unfinished writings on my page.  They are pieces of driftwood unvarnished and rough.  They cut me with their unfinished thoughts.  A few I have lost interest in as if once thought out they no longer needed expressing.  Others are still too jagged and pain filled to venture back into.  These unfinished thoughts are representative of all my unfinished business that is choking me now.  I feel the emotions unexpressed fighting to get out.  I feel them in my throat and belly churning making me struggle to breathe or think.  God knows, I don't want to face these things.  My mind knows, I have to choose to face them or they will keep poisoning my life.  My heart is fearful of the all the pain and anguish.  I fear for my sanity or I feared for my sanity back then, that's why I buried those feelings.

These unfinished thoughts are terrorists holding my psyche hostage to old hurts and fears.  I'm grown and have raised my own kids.  It's time to face these terrorists.  I am such an adept procrastinator.  What a liar!  I profess to want to face them, I'm a coward cowering in the shadows terrified of something that can only hurt me when I choose to not process them.

I'm afraid of the murderous anger that scared me.  I could so visualize committing murder.  I didn't want to leave my kid an orphan.  I was so young.  I didn't want to give up my life for a creep and liar.  The devastation wracked me with self-doubt and lack of confidence.  I went around apologizing to everyone as if I had no right to live or be.  I would say "I'm sorry." every few minutes.  It took me year before I broke myself of that habit.  I don't apologize for my existence any more.

I recently found that person on Facebook.  I found what he's been doing with his life.  I felt betrayed by the lies he told all over again.  I felt resentful of his happiness and perceive easy road, then my husband reminded me of happiness in my life and all the great people, places, and experiences of the past 20 years that I would not have experienced, if I had taken that other journey.  While my journey has been fraught with many hurdles to leap,  I have my best life.

Which brings me back to unfinished thoughts, do I surrender one more minute, one more day or one more year to these unfinished thoughts that do not serve me?  What do I choose?  I choose LIFE, LAUGHTER AND LOVE!!!!!!  I choose to breathe out all that junk and live my life as I'm meant to with love and laughter.



Comments:
 
OneVoice   OneVoice wrote
on 4/8/2013 10:14:04 AM
I find it 'amazing' how accurately your words 'echo' past experiences - imagined and lived

candyland87   candyland87 wrote
on 4/6/2011 1:13:32 PM
Thank you for the comment. We should start up a campfire story and write back and forth.. would be interesting to say the least. I've been writing since I was probably six... I loved Stephen King, that's who got me going! I plan on reading more of your writings tonight after work... Revisiting those stories, I'm sure that was fun! I started writing my autobiography (and yes at age 23 I have enough to write one of those, it's amazing to me, too) While writing I was blown away by all the memories that came rushing back as if they had been hidden somewhere dark for too many years. It's a treat every day to go back there, if only in my mind.. I say all the time. I always wondered if that was every writer's thought process when I was younger. Well, thanks again for the comment and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. And I hope my blogs aren't too boring. I use this as my therapy. Take care! Candy

actquest
Journalism
Other
writing actquest
Writing about living my life out loud. I want to write a series of essays on my experiences.
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Synopsis
I'm working through some very traumatic experiences that I did not fully process. I am processing them now.
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