Complications of the lonely hearted
You know, at first I thought I just had too much love.. cared too much.. but now I think I've reached my point. I think I've cared too much that it caused me to not care at all. If that makes any sense. But nothing in my life makes much sense these days.. so I'll just go with it as a "yes" and move on.
Peaceful night.
I am sitting on the back porch.. with the windows open. It's amazing outside. Feels like a chilled summer night... love adventure.. happiness.. only I'm lacking all of these in this moment- amazing what the breeze alone can do for you. Eh? <3
It's approaching the 9pm hr fast.. and I have a job interview in the am! Super excited!!! My fingers are crossed!!! I really hope I get this!! I need it!!! More than words can say at this point. Income tax money has gone fast, that's for sure. Plus, I need to start my new path. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life here.. cause right now, I'm just stuck. Trapped in the middle of nothing much and it kinda sucks. Getting my shower tonight.. and going through my interview questions again- get prepped. :) Then off to bed. Taking my son to the sitter early.. I have a back up plan incase the alarm gets turned off again!! HAHA! I think I might rig it to where my son can't reach... He's tired.. shouldn't be a problem going to sleep tonight. We were out running again all day- I can't get enough of this warm weather.. and I'm hoping that it lasts. I am loving it!! And trying to enjoy it before I'm stuck behind a desk for a majority of my life again!!
And my son just dumped popcorn and chips all over the floor. Grrreat. lol. And ten minutes later.. the dog swiped my chicken salad sandwich as I got my son more chips. TURDS!!! I swear.. both of my kids!! haha.

I am beyond confused and baffled at this point.. on the relationship aspects of my life. Everything is so complicated and confusing. And I really don't know what to think or do. I am happy where I am.. but the doubts and worries frighten me! I worry I'm making a huge mistake... then I think... what good did it do for me as a person.. as a mother for me to be with my husband?? What good did he do for me?? Because most of the time all we did was fight.. argue. He's violent when drinking.. he annoys me. Sex life wasn't so great. I do miss him on occasion.. but not enough. I don't miss him enough to say we should be together ever again. I feel pretty good in this house with just my son and doggy. I worry tho- that we're meant to be.. and I'm making a mistake. I worry all too much about too many things. This stress will catch up with me sooner or later.
Been trying to lose weight- that's the next step to some inner happiness. :) 25 pounds lighter and I'll be a happy camper. I've been more active.. esp this week. Getting out and walking.. got some sun, too. Not much but every little bit helps I guess. I really wish I had a tanning bed. That would be super!!
I'll be 25 this year- crazy how fast time is flying by. I've already been married, had a child.. lost a parent and best friend to cancer.. bought a car.. bought a house.. lost a parent to a crack addiction- then got him back- then later lost him to cancer while pregnant... now a single mom.. worked five jobs.. was a store manager... I've done a lot thus far.. you'd think I'd have a little more knowledge in me, to figure this one out. Only time will tell- that's what I'm going on now. That's all that I really have to work with at this point. I really wish I had my dad here now. Just to sit down.. drink a few beers.. smoke some cigs.. and talk. I'd love to have a real good heart to heart. Esp now that I'm older and wiser- and could ask better questions about life and his past. I'd love to write a book about his life. I only have little pieces.. and I'm a good book writer- I can fill in the blanks.. but those blanks are huge, and I'd much rather have his real facts than go out on a limb. But I'd want one more night with him.. and that night would come to an end and I'd linger for the rest of my life wanting another night. So, I guess it's all equal in the end. We don't get what we want.. because we'll never be satisfied with what we get.
I just feel so helpless right now.. and I hate feeling this way. I need a room-mate cause I can't make it on my own. And, I'd like for someone to tell me what to do. Talk me into something- out of something- SOMETHING> haha. I'm not good at big decisions because I worry too much.. and I think too long and too hard about the outcomes.. which is good and bad. Good because I look at everything usually before making a decision. It gives me more knowledge. My downside back fire to this is that I jump into things quickly.. so I have a lot more messes to clean up. Again, it gives me more strengths. I kinda wish I would've waited on some things tho- then again... everything happens for a reason. I should just let life take it's course and let everything happen. But I am a do-er. I can't just sit back... (When I'm in the right state of mind--- and I'm slowly getting back there) This warm weather has helped a lot. Plus, time is passing rather quickly.. and my husband is going out all the time, and dating around I guess. So, that takes a little of the pressure off my shoulders. Just getting past that first month.. and few sets of conversations once we were able to talk.. took a lot of the pressure off. Now comes the aftermath. And this new guy is such a great guy. Uggs.. At the bottom of the confusion list.. and here I go. haha.
Well- 9pm is almost here. I need to get the laundry finished and get my butt prepared for tomorrow. I can't mess this one up!!! MUST get this job!!!
Thanks for reading.

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writing candyland87
Life wouldn't be anything without risk taking...

Just a girl
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