No more sunshine
All hope is gone.
I stand strong for my child, and that's all.
My happiness- all of me and my carefree fun spirit has burnt out.
Not sure if I'll rekindle the flame or not.
At this point... I don't care.
I feel like I'm indulging in the side effects on some horrible mental medication.
And I'm running on fumes.
This is the deepest depression yet.. and that says a lot for me.
I want to roll over and die.
I miss my dad so much it hurts.. like losing him all over again. Everything would be okay if I had him.. I'd at least have hope in this darkness.. and someone to tell me everything will be okay, someone I'd actually believe that is. Cause people are saying it.. and I'm just not hearing them.
Maybe that's a lot in part due to the fact that it seems no one is hearing me either!
I speak.. but maybe my voice has vanished along with the sunshine.
That's how it appears anyway.
I speak.. no one listens. They blink, the stare, sometimes cry or get angry.. but then it's back to ground zero.. and I'm left in aww at the fact that none of it worked.
I tell you that I'm not in love with you anymore.. and you still want me back. And I'm so lost in this moment. I guess the plans worked.
You're winning the battle.
And now I'm so mad that I don't even know who I am mad at.
I made this bed.. I guess it's time to lie in it. Wherever.. Whatever..
I just want to be alone. I want this all to go away.... come on rain. Wash away this BS and bring a big beautiful rainbow!
I thought spring was going to be good.. HAPPY. I need some freaking happy.
But I've lost hope in that too.
And I can't even say all that I want to say.
I just don't know anything anymore.
All I know for certain is that I love my son. He's my world and I'd die for him. That's all that I am certain of at this point. And my doggy, too. She's my best friend. I wish she could talk. Though she'd probably tell me to shut the hell up and quit crying! LOL> Well, I don't know. She looks at me with those big sappy brown eyes.. and it's like she feels my pain.. feels what I am going thru. She knows everything is off balance.. She knows. She senses I am hurting. She lies with me when I cry. I hold her, and she holds me back sometimes. I know that sounds funny... that dog is truly my best friend.
Blank.
I don't know what I want....
.... out of this life!
Maybe I am emotionally fucked like he says I am. Maybe I do like the sappy depressed mood. I can't argue anymore. I can cry and I can still scream tho.. I guess that's a good sign. Or maybe bad, who knows.
I feel like I am falling... faster and faster.
Might be time for meds. Something to calm my ass down and ease my pain for when I hit the sharp rocks below. They're coming fast it seems! And I don't know how to put this car in reverse.
And the other problems arousing. I wish I could just go to bed.
I can't think straight.. let alone give any form of real answers.. real solutions.. real anything.
My world is fake right now.
Hopefully once I start this job.. maybe then things will get better. As for now... nothing! And as for the thoughts of future: Completely dark and blank inside this head.
Goodnight all.

 


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candyland87
Poetry
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writing candyland87
Life wouldn't be anything without risk taking...

xoxoxo
Just a girl
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