The road we walk
The road we walk
Sometimes alone
But if we're lucky, we're blessed with people to walk alongside us.
We find these people in the strangest places- sometimes- and at the strangest times.
It's almost a miracle- a deep mystery of "life"
Why did I find you now? I've known you a long time. But it's now that you step out of the shadows and into my arms.
It's right now.
Not last year, not four years ago when I first saw you. Not next year or five years from now. It's right now.
That word is huge all in it's own.
The word NOW> The meaning. The purpose. It's scary if you think about it. Because right NOW is the time when everything is happening. Life is changing. I am changing. The world as I've always seen it is changing. I don't want to fear this in any way shape or form. I want to embrace it. I want to love this. I want to love you.

"Let's waste time, chasing cars, around our heads"

I am back! I couldn't stay away for too long. I wanted time to heal... time to mend... time for my brain to start functioning again. Then I realized... there's no point in hiding. Why hide my life? Myself? I am so sick of doing what others want, what others need... Somewhere along that journey I lost my own way. I lost what I wanted out of life. My ambitions and my dreams.. I flushed them down the drain. For what? For this battle that I am about to overcome... with a lot of hardship, stress and tears! This isn't going to be easy. This road ahead.... it's about to get dark and bumpy. But, I have to look on the bright side of things. I was blessed with tons of fantastic people to walk alongside me in this journey.
I've learned that if you ask for help, people respond. People will go out of their way to help you. (Not all people- that's for sure) But lucky for me... in this life thus far I've gathered a rare group of people... people who have gotten into trouble with me, got me into trouble... partied with me, cried with me.. hell, we've been through just about everything together. Losing parents.. lovers... having babies.. divorces... Well, I'll be the first of my immediate friends to get the big D.
"I'm going through the big D and don't mean Dallas!!!!" hahahaha-
I also like to take my sweet ass time on getting things done... but I am getting there. One step at a time! Baby steps! Funny how we have to revert back to that from time to time. We're only human.
I am not looking forward to the future conversations... the tears that I'm sure we'll both shed. The stress... the pain... the sweat. I never wanted any of this to happen.. but sooner or later you have to face the facts and step into the light. Embrace life. Take control!!! Get out and do something!! I use to be fearless- for a short time I suppose. I've lost many things along the way... Losing my dad (My best friend in the whole world- The one person who I knew would always love me, never judge me- He was the one fall back) Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.. esp since the cancer took him from us so fast. One minute he was fine... the next in stage 4 and helpless. I was pregnant... "My baby is having a baby" dad said with excitement in his voice. He was the only person who was exciting right off the bat. There was no hesitation in his voice.. no fear for me or my unborn baby. He reassured me (as he always did in my scared days) that everything would be fine. "You're going to be a great mom. You're old enough" He said... I chuckled... Not thinking about it at the time.. Not knowing that his time was measured... and those amazing conversations we had were very very limited. It was all so unfair.. but in this life things are unfair. We can't control most things... but for the things we can control- we need to step up to the plate and take the bat and swing as hard as we can!!!!!!! SWING! And don't stop swinging until we hit a home run! I tell myself this now in this un-wildly moment at 3:17am... inspired from the unknown adventures yet to come. I am ready to play some baseball!!! Are you??
I don't want to go too far in depth.. I don't want to spill out all this anger that's bottled inside.. I am too happy right now to even fathum the ideas.. the cruelty and pain. I know it's going to be hard. And like I said, I didn't want any of this to happen. I didn't want a broken home for my son... But sometimes you have to overlook a few things to get to the truths. Is staying together worth it? Is it better for my son? To watch his parents constantly fight... violent at times.. I won't allow it. I'd rather be broken and start the healing process. I am willing to be an adult in this situation.. I just hope he can, too. For the sake of our child if nothing else. Be a man... step up to the plate. We weren't meant to be together. We fought out several years... gained strengths and weaknesses. And I'll forever love him... but I can't remember the last time I can honestly say that I was in love with him. Who lives like that?? I'm sure a lot of people... and it's sad. But, fool me once shame on you- fool me twice shame on me. A man should never put his hands on a female. Esp since I never laid a hand on him... not until he choked me up in front of me son... then took the phone so I couldn't call the police. It was scary.. to say the least. But it wasn't the first time... and I'll be damned if I give you a chance to do it again! I'll be damned! I should have left the first time.. or the second or the third... I always pitied the women who were beaten and broken by their asshole husbands. I thought they were pathetic for sticking around for more... Somewhere along that journey I turned into one of those women. He didn't beat me- but bruises are close enough. Pushing me down and not letting me leave the apartment... calling me dirty names and listening to me cry without showing any emotions except rage.. esp when I hadn't done anything wrong. If I had done wrongs in those times I wouldn't complain. I'd accept my wrong doings and my actions... I would expect to have some sort of back fire. I didn't deserve this though.. and as much as I want to feel sorry for you now.. I can't. I have no give a damn left when it comes to this issue. And go ahead.. read this.. get mad at at me for "bashing" you on the net. No one knows my name.. nor your name. And sorry if I speak the truths... sorry if I need to vent every now and then. Are you happy... I deleted all the other posts. YOU WON that one... but not this one. I am sick of hiding. I am sick of worrying. I am sick and tired of all the stresses that are un-needed. We're only human.. we only live once. You deserve to be happy.. obviously I don't make you happy.. and you don't make me happy. You say you want to work on our marriage... mend things. Honey, you should have thought that statement through a little better first. Come on now! I'm the only person you'll ever love?? You're in love with me?? Even if those feelings were mutual... and they're not.. How can you choke the woman you're madly in love with?? How can you let rage consume you.. into kicking things and throwing things and punching walls and kicking doors... right in front of your (almost 4 yrs old) son??? This isn't a question to be answered. So, if you do read this... please don't hate me for it. I am just venting. FUCK! Am I not aloud to speak anymore either??? Have I lost all rights???
I apologize for that rather long spiel.
Moving on.
The events to follow: Enjoy life... I need to start enjoying life. Spring will be here soon. Hopefully! I have a good feeling about spring! I think this year is going to be one of the best years ever! It has been pretty shitty so far. I think after the big bang boom of the new year.. it's only up from here. :)
I have messed everything up with school so far. I really hope I can make up.. but I doubt it. I am also about to start a new job. YEA! I am finally getting my ducks in a row and it feels nice. I knew it would happen. It's why I kind of just sat back. I knew my body was under too much stress and I knew everything would work itself out one way or the other. I am proud of myself. I still have my occasional freak out. I panic. I cry. But... for the most part... I've handled myself and this situation rather well I'd say. Kudo's to me... and all women who finally stand up and take a chance on something else.
Out with the bad and in with the new/good.
Sometimes in the coldness of winter.... we find something to keep us warm. Our hearts stay lit.. long enough for our fire to not burn out. I am burning bright. I can feel this essence that has come over me.. it's strong. It's unexplainable. Undeniable.. unpredictable. WILD> FIRE>
I hope everyone gets to endure something of the statue at least once in their lives. Pain makes you feel alive. And somewhere in the mist of the hell we travel through.. we find strength in ourselves.. best friends out of strangers... hope in the darkness. We prevail. We strive. We stand up and we fight like there's everything to lose! Us humans are stronger than we imagine. Stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Though I have many fears.. I can't sit here and say I am fearless. But I can say I am strong!! Stronger than I give myself credit for most of the time.
All that we are... all that we will be... it's all about the right NOW. We just need to take charge of our own destinies... fulfill our own dreams. Even if we never reach them... trying is half the battle. Standing up and fighting for what you believe in! Swinging the bat as hard as you can! Run until your toes bleed- sing until your voice is gone- dance like no one is watching.
I had people in this crowd that stood up for me... And that love I hold for them is treasured. <3
In this life we have friends along the journey. Certain people that are meant to be with us during those times.. sometimes we keep them forever.. other times they fade into the distance. We travel... we part ways.. sometimes on good terms; sometimes on bad. Regardless, these people that we run into.. that we encounter.. it all has a purpose.. a meaning far greater than we could ever imagine or determine at that given time. And the cycle keeps on rotating.. constantly moving. It's powerful. I want to hold my arms out wide and embrace it. LIFE>

It's nearly 4am... I really should be asleep. I was tired hours ago. Watched "A Time to Kill". I've seen it a few times before.. Long movie... GREAT movie! With Sandra Bullock. If you haven't seen it... see it! :)
It always makes me a little teary eyed. Even when I'm not an emotional wreck. I am a cry-er. Movies get to me! Funny how I use to make fun of my mom for crying over movies. Now I cry at almost every movie I see.. for happiness or sadness. Something... If it speaks to me somehow, my emotions just grab a hold. I love it though. It makes me feel alive and less alone. In this giant world none of us should feel alone. If you do, reach out to someone... anyone. Hell a complete stranger even! They just might surprise you. My hope in the human race is higher now in these dark times than it ever was in the past. Amazing.. I find myself thinking of all these things. I like to surprise myself I guess.
One more... on this topic of reaching out and strangers...
I went to the park the other day with my son. We ate our chicken nuggets from Wendy's and watched the ducks floating in the nearby stream. It was beautiful... a place my dad loved to go and sit... When we pulled up I noticed an abundance of cats running around. I felt sadness for them. It's cold and they're homeless. Just as we were about to leave a van pulled in. In this town I am leery.. so I locked the doors and started the engine.. getting ready to book it. Then I saw a few big dogs jump out of the van and one looked familiar to me. I rolled down the window and let this giant dog come up and sniff my hand. I looked over to see a woman.. she was gathered items from her old van.. and headed towards a raggidy little shelter made for the animals in the nearby field. My son wanted to see the dogs.. and they were harmless.. I had a good feeling- or else we wouldn't have gotten out of the car. My gut instincts are usually pretty keen. I spoke to the woman as she shoveled out food from the back of her van. I had met her once before... many years ago when I worked at Speedway. I remembered her, but she didn't remember me. She was out there at this park.. it's freezing cold outside.. and you can tell she probably doesn't have much money... and here she is every single day driving all the way out there to feed the homeless cats.. and the ducks. She has provided these animals with medical attention.. and love and food... Each and every one even has a name! (And are looking for good homes- so if you or anyone knows anyone who might want to give a cat a good home- let me know!!)  and it just about broke my heart to see it. To see there are still people in this world that honestly do things for others and not for themselves! Every day she goes and tends to these animals.. One duck that had been caught in a fishing line and is now living with only one foot... he can't travel far.. so her food supply keeps him alive! Isn't this amazing? Truly amazing! I told her that I'd look through my own belongings to see what I had to help. Anything to create warmer shelter or food for these animals! My son wants to go back and see the dogs again... :) I love him. He's going to be good hearted, too... I can feel it.
Well, I better get my butt to bed. Hopefully I didn't offend anyone or piss anyone off...
And as always...
Thanks for reading.

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writing candyland87
Life wouldn't be anything without risk taking...

Just a girl
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"Amazed by you"